I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This is the high leading the old right now
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
