Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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