so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
