have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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