remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
