Your face is a jimmy john
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
accomplished twins. life is a go
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
