words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
