Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
