I just threw up on my dentist
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize