yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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