these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
