and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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