In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
