went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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