he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
