be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
