He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
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