You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
