I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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