this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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