First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
