dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
