she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
