My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
