i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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