I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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