thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
