my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
