I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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