mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
