Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
