I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
