I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
