so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
