apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
