I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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