Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
