"it" just moved
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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