I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
