look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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