Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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