So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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