I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
