just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
