Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
