conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Send help, water and tortillas.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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