We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
