I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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