Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
