Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
