I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
