Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
